A Goats Tale

For Reagan and for Lucy, and for everyone who has ever had feelings that were too big for their bodies.

A.L. Burns has a Master’s of Counseling Psychology and is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Virginia. Burns believes that you can make anything funny by adding one of two things: Goats. Or Pants.

Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. First printing, 2019 DePaul Community Resources

5650 Hollins Road Roanoke, VA 24019 depaulcr.org

Once upon a time, in a place not very far from here, there lived a very small herd of little goats with very small feet and very small horns.

The smallest of the small was Billie.

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Because Billie was the smallest of the small, Billie was often afraid—and when Billie got scared, Billie fainted.

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He fainted when the cows next door mooed, and when the older goats clashed their horns, and at the screech of tin cans when his Nanny-Goat munched them with her teeth.

All over the meadow, Billie was known as Billie the Fainting Goat.

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After a particularly bad fainting spell, Billie snuggled up close to his Nanny-Goat. “Nanny, I’m so scared all the time,” he cried. “Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my little goat chest!” Nanny-Goat nuzzled Billie with her furry beard. “And sometimes you tremble down to your itty-bitty hooves and your belly feels like you swallowed a beehive?” she asked. Billie nodded.

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“Billie, my boy, it’s time I taught you the secret to being a brave little goat, so you can handle the big, scary world without fainting.” “First, take a long, deep breath in through your itty-bitty nose. Breathe so big that it pushes your belly out.” Billie breathed deep and watched his little belly swell with fresh air.

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“Blow it out through your mouth with a big, long whooooosh .”

“Like that, Nanny?”

“Exactly right, Billie,” Nanny-Goat said with her old-goat smile. “Just like that.”

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“Now, curl up the hooves on your back legs tight, like you’re leaping over old Farmer Jones’ fence,” she said. Billie curled his little hooves as Nanny-Goat counted.

“One, Two, Three, and Release!”

Billie dropped his back hooves and Nanny-Goat had him do it again two more times. “Wiggle those little hooves around, Billie, and shake ’em loose.” And as Billie wiggled, he was surprised by how much lighter he felt.

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Nanny-Goat said, “Tighten all those muscles in your little back legs.”

As Billie sat on his little goat fanny, he stuck his back legs out in front of him and squeezed his little muscles tight.

“Hold for One, Two, Three, and Release!”

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He let go and relaxed. He felt his little leg muscles melt right into the ground.

Twice more Billie squeezed his back legs.

“One, Two, Three, and Release... One, Two, Three, and Release!” When he was done, he shook his little muscles loose.

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Nanny-Goat pointed to Billie’s little belly. “Remember that time you got into Farmer Swan’s honey-bee farm and ate that beehive?” Billie nodded, blushing as he remembered the feeling of bees crawling around in his tummy. “Now, tighten the walls of your tummy, hips, and back, like you’re crushing those bees in your belly.

“One, Two, Three, and Release! ”

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Billie let out a whoosh of breath, and wiggled his middle around to loosen his muscles.

“One, Two, Three, and Release... One, Two, Three, and Release!”

Billie wiggled his middle for the last time, and noticed that it was much easier to breathe.

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“Next, tighten all the muscles in your front legs, just like you’re peeking up over the fence, looking for some greener grass.” Billie squeezed the muscles in his front legs all the way up to his shoulders and down to his ankles and then held it. “ One, Two, Three, and Release! Shake it out.” Nanny-Goat helped him repeat the squeezing two more times, and when he was done, his muscles felt melty like little goat jelly. 12

“Hooves, too, my boy!” Nanny-Goat reminded Billie. Billie curled up his front hooves as she counted, “One, Two, Three, and Release!” As he relaxed, he flipped his hooves up and let them wiggle-waggle back and forth before tightening them all over again. “One, Two, Three, and Release...” wiggle-waggle... “One, Two, Three, and Release.” Billie’s front legs felt soft and floppy. 13

Next, Nanny-Goat rubbed her fuzzy chin on Billie’s neck to show him what to do next by tightening his neck and shoulders. “Like when Old Man Willis hitched you to his wagon last month.”

Billie counted in his head, “One, Two, Three, and Release!”

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Again, he clenched his muscles.

“One, Two, Three, and Release... One, Two, Three, and Release!”

When he was done, he rolled his little goat head around on his shoulders to shake out any last drop of stiffness stuck in his muscles.

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“The most important step comes next, Billie,” said Nanny-Goat as she munched. “Remember when you broke into Farmer Street’s orchard and ate those lemons?” Billie’s lips puckered with the memory.

“Good!” baa’d Nanny-Goat as she showed Billie how to tighten all the muscles on his face. “Try to make your mouth and little eyebrows touch for a count of One, Two, Three, and Release! ”

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Billie scrunched his nose and wriggled his lips, then tightened up again.

“One, Two, Three, and Release... One, Two, Three, and Release!”

Billie’s face felt so happy and droopy that he closed his eyes and smiled.

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“Last but not least, Billie, tighten all of your muscles all at once, from your lemon-scrunchy lips to your leaping back legs.”

Billie wasn’t sure he could, but was willing to try for his Nanny-Goat.

“One, Two, Three, and Release!” Billie took a deep breath and tight- ened everything again. “One, Two, Three, and Release... One, Two, Three, and Release!” Billie relaxed all his muscles so much that he flopped to the ground and rolled and stretched his happy, little body in the grass.

“Nanny-Goat!” Billie cried. “I feel so good!”

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He started to gallop in circles and when a sudden, loud “MOOOOO!” thundered across the fence line from Farmer Shepherd’s cow pasture, Billie did not faint! He looked at his Nanny-Goat with wide, little eyes, “Nanny, did you hear that?”

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Nanny-Goat looked up, and CLASH! went the horns of two goats as they butted heads.

Billie did not faint.

With a tin can clamped between her teeth, Nanny-Goat began to chew, screeching and skritching with every delicious bite.

But still, Billie did not faint.

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Billie pranced with joy around his dear Nanny-Goat.

“Nanny, thank you for teaching me to be Billie the Brave and not Billie the Fainting Goat! Now when I get scared, I know just what to do.”

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Nanny-Goat set her tin can on the ground and nudged it towards Billie.

“Here’s a snack for my Billie–the bravest little goat in town.”

And from that day on, Billie the Brave lived happily and very bravely ever after.

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