Nonprofit Performance 360 Magazine Vol 5 No 1

technique enables better lead generation and forms the basis of a prospecting process that totally eliminates the need for cold calling, because people do business with people that they KNOW, LIKE, and TRUST. Building relationships with new prospects is the very best way to turn them into new clients or donors. Think about some of the new business, clients, or donors you’ve recently picked up. Surely some (if not all) of your new business has come from referrals. And, most likely, those successful relationships did not happen overnight, but have probably come from people that you’ve been in contact with for a number of months, or even years. In a very real way, your network is your net worth . Your valuable relationships are at work for you every day, slowly moving people deeper and deeper into your know, like, and trust circle. What if you could accelerate this process with thousands of new prospects? Online social networks allow you to do just that, but you have to use them correctly. You can’t just jump into the middle of a relationship. The 12 Steps of Intimacy I am certainly not an expert in dating or romantic relationships. But I do want to quickly review the 12 steps of personal intimacy, which are related to business relationships. Even if you are not familiar with the notion of there being 12 steps to intimacy, the concept will no doubt ring a bell with you as you think about your romantic experiences. In finding a partner, we all go through almost the exact escalating series of steps, and we refine our selection of partners by eliminating some portion of the people with whom we choose to escalate from one step to the next. These 12 steps represent the normal escalation of physical intimacy, and they are innately understood by almost everyone in every culture. The 12 steps of intimacy are these. 1. Eye to Body. A glance reveals much about a person: sex, size, shape, age, personality, and status. 2. Eye to Eye. When strangers exchange glances, their most natural reaction is to look away. If their eyes meet again, they may smile, which signals that they might like to become better acquainted. 3. Voice to Voice. Their initial conversations may be trivial as two people learn about each other’s opinions, pastimes, activities, habits, hobbies, likes, and dislikes.

4. Hand to Hand. The first instance of physical contact between the couple is usually a non-romantic occasion such as when one helps the other out of a chair. Continued and prolonged hand-to- hand contact will eventually become an evidence of the couple’s romantic interest. 5. Arm around Shoulders. This embrace is still noncommittal. It is a buddy-type position in which the couple is side by side. This contact reveals a relationship that is more than a close friendship, but not necessarily love or intimacy. 6. Hand toWaist. Because this is something two uninvolved people would not ordinarily do, it is clearly romantic and a clear escalation of touching. 7. Face to Face. This level of contact involves kissing and gazing into one another’s eyes. 8. Hand to Head. The extension of face-to- face contact is tenderly touching the face. Adults in our culture rarely touch one another’s face unless they are becoming romantically involved. 9-12. The Final Steps. The last four levels or steps of physical involvement are distinctly sexual. And they have a definite order of ascending intimacy. Think of the old and crude analogy of 1 st base, 2 nd base, 3 rd base, and Home Run. You’re Out of Order! What happens if these steps are taken out of order? At best, it is awkward; at worst, it is criminal. To move from step to step on this list, both partners must consent and actively participate in each escalation of the shared intimacy. If either partner is not willing to proceed to the next step of intimacy, such denial seldom causes problems or hurt feelings. For example, think of the young man walking his date to the door, hand on her back.When the couple turns to face each other, he might try for a goodnight kiss, and be denied. While this may sting his ego a bit, the denial is unlikely to cause any real hurt or harm to either. On the other hand, if, soon after meeting, and without following any of the steps to increase shared intimacy, a man grabs a woman by the face, and proceeds to plant a big sloppy kiss on her lips, the would-be partner might rightly feel like she had just been physically assaulted. Think of all of the recent news concerning public figures who have been accused of

sexual harassment or worse. In reality, most have done nothing that an intimate couple would not normally do. They have just skipped the steps that take a couple down the consensual and natural path of intimacy. Al Franken was forced out of the U.S. Senate because he forced an unwelcome kiss, and simulated intimate over-the-clothes touching in a photo with a sleeping co-worker. What he did was wrong, and rightly occasioned drastic consequences. The point is that those same actions, if taken with a willing partner who had shared a consensual escalation of the steps of intimacy, would not only be normal, but be welcomed and reciprocated. The 12 Steps of Social Selling So what is the point of reviewing the steps of personal intimacy? I want you to start thinking about your social networking relationships as requiring an orderly and consensual progression in much the same way as your romantic relationships. How many times have you connected with someone on Facebook or LinkedIn, only to receive a sales offer from them right away? What was your reaction? I’ll bet you didn’t buy. Or how about an unsolicited email from someone you don’t know?That is so annoying that we have actually made (ineffective) laws against it. How do you feel when someone unknown to you knocks on your door or rings your phone, trying to sell you something? Just like in a romantic setting, trying to get to Step 12 without engaging and getting consent at every step along the way is not only unlikely to succeed, it is MORE than likely to backfire and ruin any potential of a relationship. There is a natural order to both personal and online social relationships. Don’t take shortcuts.They feel unnatural, they are at best awkward, and will all ultimately fail. Here are my 12 Steps of Social Selling. 1. Establish Your Professional Brand. Just as a glance reveals much about a person in the steps of personal intimacy, you may get no more than a one-chance-glance to attract social connections. You need to make sure that you’re easy to find and that all the info you put into your social profiles is both consistent and representative of the persona that you want to portray. Remember that like attracts like; in this context, that means portray yourself as a peer to the people that you want to connect with.

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